see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
