drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
