Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
