i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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