anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
being pregnant is like rehab
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
