He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
