my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
