i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
