Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize