At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
