I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
