In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
