Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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