Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
