dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
