She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
