I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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