I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize