Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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