were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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