My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
