You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
