I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
