where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
