I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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