I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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