I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
