Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
