I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
