I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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