I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The air was thick with penises
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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