i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
