I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just found a bag of teeth...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
