I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
