he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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