Kiss
Puke
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I could fuck to npr.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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