And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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