I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
