final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
