So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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