I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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