my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
