There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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