Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
