i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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