Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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