I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
