FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We have so much sex to catch up on
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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