Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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