Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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