Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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