chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
