someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
