The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
