Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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