He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize