THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
