he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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