My hand turned me down
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
