is your mom at the bar?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
