You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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