They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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