Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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