Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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